When we ask the hard questions
When we are caring for a Person Living with Dementia we are looking after the whole person, body, mind and spirit. While administering Person Centered Care we get to know the person we are working to support and we try to encourage them in every way.
When I was studying for my Activity Director Certification one of the assignments I had to do was a one-hour spiritual program. I wondered what the most uplifting program might be? What could I put together for them, and as I often do, I tried to put myself into their shoes to guide me to what I believed they might find uplifting and relevant.
Sometimes we fall into the trap of treating the PLWD as if they are fragile, and we may even be patronizing, While they may be vulnerable they are probably a lot stronger than we give them credit for. If they are still diamond and realize they are struggling, especially if they have been diagnosed, they have to be strong to get through each day so we should be conversing with them as we would with anyone else.
Understanding this, and that the generation I am working with, more often than not, have been brought up in a time where religion formed the basis of their upbringing and where their God was the authority and would never be questioned, but at the same time was a beneficent deity that would keep them safe if they lived a good life, I wondered how, with all their confusion they reconciled their condition with their upbringing and beliefs.
What brought me to ask myself this question was that having worked with a number of these residents in both our Memory Care and Assisted Living community who had MCI, I found that many, and particularly the Catholic residents, would withdraw and not want to participate in the Catholic Mass offered and quite often even the most garrulous of them would become quiet and not want to be drawn into conversation after missing the activity. It occurred to me what they might be thinking about their God whoever that God might be and it brought me to be brave enough to pose the question, “Are you angry with God”.
You could have heard a pin drop, everyone looked at me aghast, who would dare be angry with God I could hear them thinking. I explained they did not need to answer if they did not want to, but to think about it, mull it over, speak to me in private if they needed to. For a moment I thought that with my inexperience in my enthusiasm I had crossed a line and made a blunder. However, instead of leaving or clamming up a whole flood of emotion unleashed. Each one made the other braver and some admitted they were ashamed to own that they felt abandoned, but they were afraid because they needed the comfort of their God. Others said that they knew they were getting older and were in turmoil because they would be meeting their God and that due to their negative feelings they feared they were not in a state of grace.
Allowing them the freedom of non-judgmental conversation and allowing them to voice their fears and confusion. Working through and discussing how natural their thoughts and feelings were enabled a dialogue that over the weeks, especially with the high functioning residents resolved some of the issues they were having in their spiritual life. They were able to work through their feelings, acknowledge that God is a forgiving and understanding God and get back to a place where they felt at comfort in their religion once more.
Clearly though you have to know your group, you have to know their personalities, they have to feel comfortable with you and you have to be careful, supportive and non-judgmental. You have to discern if they would feel more comfortable talking 1:1 or in a group or getting the guidance of a Priest or Minister if you made that offer.
I am fortunate that I am perceptive and sensitive and can for the most part sense my audience and so far with this program I have had success. Once you broach the subject of feelings and God, before you ask the direct question, you can often feel if you are treading on ground that is volatile. However, if you are brave enough to ask the question you may open a door for that PLWD and lift a load off their shoulders and help find them find the peace they had lost.
I hope you found this interesting, it is only my personal view and experience of a sensitive subject and is no way intended to offend.
